What’s Your Attachment Pattern & Is It Affecting Your Connection?

Do you feel doomed to repeat past relationship fails forever?

You’re not alone if you feel stuck and sense that there is something about the way you experience love and friendship that is wholly unsatisfying or perpetually short-lived.

Fortunately, you can absolutely move forward, away from anxiety and toward a type of relationship that will satisfy you.

However, doing so starts with an understanding of what your attachment style is and how it impacts your interactions. Your attachment style describes your bond with your childhood caregivers. This relationship impacts your identity and your expectations of relationships.

So, the journey toward awareness begins with knowledge. There are generally four attachment patterns in relationships: secure, anxious, ambivalent, and avoidant.

Secure Attachment Promotes the Healthy Relationship Patterns We Aim For

This is the relationship goal. When we imagine a safe and comfortable union, we imagine interactions built on a secure attachment style. A secure attachment is balanced and marked by the following qualities:

• stability

• strength

• connection

• interdependence

Do these words describe your own relationships, past and/or present? Not really? Don’t worry, this is the case for a lot of people. While we project a secure and balanced couple in our social media posts, we often know our connections are far from it.

Practically, what does a secure attachment look like?

A secure relationship is not thrown into disarray by challenges. Your communication is strong and life transitions are transformational, not harmful to your bond. Obviously, as in all relationships, even securely attached couples experience conflict.

However, securely attached couples interact in ways that are mutually beneficial. Tough times don’t negatively drive the relationship. They are adept at resolving problems and thrive by turning toward each other despite their differences. They solidify individual commitment and inspire teamwork and willing contribution to their partnership.

These 3 Kinds of Insecure Attachment are Most Common

Most people are navigating some degree of insecure attachment. This needn’t be a source of shame as much as something to be aware of as we enter relationships. It often takes commitment, time, and a considerable amount of effort to learn the skills necessary for creating secure attachment and healthier relationship patterns.

Many people experienced early childhood challenges that lead to one of the following forms of insecure attachment:

1. Anxious Attachment

Poor or inadequate caregiving at a critical point in your youth may have created anxious attachment. In other words, not getting your needs met as a child, may mean you are constantly seeking to meet those needs in your adult relationships.

This can translate as clinginess or neediness. Your craving for intimacy and closeness may cause you to feel nervous or upset if you believe a partner is pulling away or leaves your physical presence for long. The possibility of rejection feels unbearable. This can create relationship tension as you continually seek reassurance from your partner.

2. Ambivalent Attachment

Perhaps caregiving was inconsistent during your childhood. If you or your partner were uncertain about care, love, or support back then, you likely demonstrate an ambivalent attachment to people now.

This attachment reads confusingly hot and cold to a partner. Sometimes you want to be close, but when it happens you pull back because you feel controlled or claustrophobic. Suspicion and accusation mark your attempts to connect because trusting people is so difficult.

3. Avoidant Attachment

Violence, hostility, and rage during childhood foster an avoidant attachment style. Forming attachments to people are processed as painful and raises all sorts of internal defenses.

Therefore, your relationships are always guarded.  If you seek a relationship you still remain fiercely independent, deeply avoidant of intimacy, and smothered when your partner or other people feel too close.

What to Do About the Effect of Attachment Styles on Your Relationship

Essentially, the way couples relate to each other repeats negative relationships patterns from their pasts. Thus, acknowledging and processing those patterns productively improves the outlook for your current connection.

The best way to ascertain and understand your personal attachment style? Lean into the idea of professional help. The guidance of a relationship counselor can be enlightening and expedite the kind of awareness and engagement that can bring you closer.

A qualified, experienced counselor understands the intersection of personal histories and current relationships, There is no shame in seeking support for your situation, most people are unaware of these things at first. With help, step back and explore your relationship attachment style. Work through the patterns of communication and responses that may be linked. Set goals for creating a healthier relationship now. A secure life together is possible. I’m here to help. Please read more about couples therapy and reach out soon for a consultation.