Peace or Impasse? How to Know Whether Your Problems Are Solvable or Perpetual

Got Problems? Most relationships do. It’s perfectly normal to experience conflict in relationships.

Still, when conflict arises between you and the person you love, the emotions involved can be confusing. And if the disagreements seem to be repetitive? Well, then relationship satisfaction can start to suffer.

So, what is the best way to deal with your problems and preserve your love? Is there a way to determine whether you can have lasting peace and improve communication?

Absolutely! A good place to start? Let’s determine the nature of your relationship problems.

To make relationship gains, it’s important to know if your problems are solvable or perpetual.

A solvable problem in your relationship is a situational problem. The conflict is simply ascertained. A particular topic or challenge is getting in your way. An answer, explanation, or solution is achievable and you can agree on how to maintain peace. Nothing about that specific concern is linked to deeper internal conflict or unresolved issues between you.

A perpetual problem in your relationship is a problem rooted in 1) fundamental personality differences or 2) key discrepancies in lifestyle needs. These problems may be centered around the same issues that are solvable in other relationships. But in your partnership, it seems that you just cannot find a mutual breakthrough.

To be clear, all couples have both types of problems. This isn’t a question of happy couples having just solvable issues. The idea is that whether you can identify and respond productively to perpetual problems well.

So, What Do You Do About These Problems?

Emotional awareness, acceptance, and shared meaning make all the difference in the way you communicate through problems in your relationship. Establishing a firm foundation of communication and compassion can make responding to both types of problems positive and entirely possible experiences. These are relationship skills that take commitment and intention.

Solvable problems are those you can probably communicate through and develop a plan for together, even if the conversation is passionate and lengthy. At the end of the discussion,  your life goes on and the matter is settled as long as you manage to honor each other and listen well.

In the case of perpetual problems, a big part of preventing an impasse is to understand that solving the issue is not really the point. Instead, recognize that a majority of your conflict may very well be these sorts of problems. You don’t need to force or cajole an agreement where it doesn’t exist.

This, however, does not require an ongoing battle.

Fight for the Right Approach (Instead of Each Other)

The impact of perpetual problems can still be respectful, accepting, and communicated without attack or feeling attacked. If you have the skills to create that environment.

The goal? To tap into the goodwill between you and actively consider what the relationship means to you both.  A sense of humor, the ability to self-soothe, and the willingness to establish a compassionate dialogue will help prevent resentment and gridlock.

Gridlocked problems exacerbate pain and can lead to verbal attacks that are hard to take back. Cold withdrawal can ensue that is difficult to overcome. Both can lead to contempt and eventual breakdown of your connection altogether. You don’t have to reach this point before learning to communicate differently.

If You Need It, Seek  Professional Help with Both

A skilled marriage counselor, trained in relationship counseling, is invaluable when your problems seem to be playing on repeat.  You and your partner don’t have to plow through and hope for the best. You are not alone in this.

There is no shame in reaching out for help communicating and reconciling your differences.  We’re here to encourage you. Reach out if you’re ready to move forward or visit our couples counseling page to learn more.