Six Signs Your Sex Life Is Being Impacted By Trauma
Trauma often sticks with us. It lives inside us and our relationships, keeping us mired in the tension, drama, and aftershock of it all. Sometimes we know how we’re affected. Sometimes we can sense it. And sometimes we haven’t got a clue.
That’s okay. When it comes to our sex lives, there really is no reason to think we wouldn’t be affected by trauma. Yet, it often takes support and a qualified therapist to helps us look deeper. Consider that what you may see, or even dismiss, as a sexual preference, fantasy, or irritant may be more. Particularly if they continue to get in your way. Some of the things we do (or won’t do) sexually may be linked to a painful past experience that shows up in unexpected ways.
Consider the following indicators that unresolved trauma could be upsetting a healthy sexual connection.
1. You See Yourself as Damaged, Diminished, or Targeted
Consider your answers to the following questions. Trauma may be driving your sexual connections or lack thereof.
Do you think that there is inherently something wrong with you?
Are you at all interested in sex?
Do you wish sex didn’t even exist?
Does losing control sexually feel like powerlessness in your relationship?
Do you feel that you have the right to say no to anyone that wants you?
Do you feel that you deserve whatever you get when it comes to sex?
2. Anxiety and Excitement Are all Mixed Up in Your Brain
When trauma is stuck within you your body never really resolves the fight-flight-freeze mode that accompanies a disturbing experience. Your guard is up, anxiety and arousal get confused easily.
Your trauma might be impacting your sex life negatively if sex feels demanding, aggressive, or triggers anger and controlling behavior (fight). You may find that withdrawal, avoidance or passive interaction (flight) typifies your sexual interaction. Or perhaps you just get through it emotionally, and mentally in response to intimacy (flight).
3. Disturbing Sensations and Dysfunction Get in the Way
Again, trauma stays with you, lives in your memories, mind, and body. Thus, you can be disturbed and affected by the bodily responses long before you are consciously aware of trauma connections. Past injury or partial memories may give rise to certain tensions, numbness, or functional issues.
You may want to avoid those feelings. Or you may feel that sex can only happen if those sensations are at play, even if they are harmful to you or your connections with others.
4. Sex is a Risky Preoccupation
Is sex a complete preoccupation? A history of physical or sexual trauma can contribute to a focus on various aspects of sex that interfere with your goals, career, and relationships. You may have trouble not thinking about sex or constantly contemplate when your next sexual encounter will take place.
In some circles, you may hear about how some trauma survivors “act out.” Perhaps you can relate. Perhaps you don’t even know why you use sexual activity in risky or unhelpful ways. You may have thought you were simply free and uninhibited. However, as you deal with certain consequences, you may wonder if your painful past is directing your current sexual exploits.
If you’re feeling empty, your relationships are being harmed, and your sex life is taking a toll on your baby, think about getting to the root of things.
5. Your Trust Issues Tend to Tank Intimacy
Past trauma can make it hard to trust. A lack of trust with a sexual partner is problematic in a variety of ways. First, simply being vulnerable is unlikely to occur without a measure of faith that the other person will not harm you physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Second, sharing your needs and wants is difficult enough without the perception that people are inherently unsafe or that sex leads to betrayal or personal harm in some way. If trauma has taught you these things, sex can be disappointing, triggering, or an unsatisfyingly one-sided affair.
6. Disconnect or Dissociation Routinely Robs You of Pleasure
Do you feel as though you just “can’t feel anything” during sex? Perhaps certain parts of your body feel numb? Maybe you are completely checked out and feel as if you are somewhere else altogether?
Dissociation is a common response to traumatic experiences. Your nervous system protects you by signaling that you are in inescapable danger. You may enter in a foggy, cold or distant, sort of lethargy. The intensity of sexual contact can trigger the same response.
Finally, Take the Next Step…
Trauma doesn’t disappear. When we survive something terrible, we carry it with us. Often we punish ourselves with shame, isolation, or pain. If we don’t know how to let it go, it remains an unprocessed obstacle to a deep and intimate knowledge of ourselves.
You deserve better. Seek to know and own your sexual self without anxiety or apology. With that work complete, you can share yourself when you are ready and fulfill your desires freely.
We’re here to help you on that path. Read more about sex therapy, therapy for women, and couples counseling. Contact us soon for a consultation.
Or If you’re looking for a slow start up to focus on you, we can help you become a pleasure seeker (instead of pleasure avoider) at a comfortable pace. Reclaiming your right to pleasure will put your on the path to recovery. Check out our low-cost courses: Ignite: Reignite your Sexual Spark and Turn off the Gas.