Mismatched: 5 Relationship-Saving Strategies for Coping with Differences in Desire
Life is not a romantic comedy or fairy tale. You will be disappointed if you expect “love at first sight” and “happily ever after.” In reality, each couple is made up of two distinct individuals with different worldviews, and it is not surprising that one partner will desire sex more often than the other.
You have the opportunity to experience life alongside someone with a unique worldview. Of course, it’s also one of the many reasons why relationships require non-stop commitment and work. For example, you and your partner may have differences in desire. How do you cope with mismatched libidos?
Once Again, Pop Culture is NO Help
Everything from romance novels to internet pornography teaches you unhealthy lessons about sex. One of those lessons has to do with your sex drive. No two people have the same exact sexual needs. This fact should make it seem normal. However, thanks to misconceptions, it is more often seen as a crisis.
So, the first step in this virtually inevitable scenario is to accept it. There is nothing “wrong” with either one of you. Sexual imbalances are to be expected and they are almost always solvable. Don’t hit the panic button. Instead, choose to communicate directly and openly. Talk about your desires. Be as specific and detailed as possible. From there, you can trust in your bond to help you find resolutions. And remember, the goal is for you both to be satisfied most of the time. With different desire levels, compromise is the loving goal.
Along those lines, here are some basic suggestions to keep the process moving in a productive manner.
5 Relationship-Saving Strategies for Coping with Differences in Desire
1. Practice Empathy
Again, neither of you is “wrong.” Appreciate each other’s libido for what it is. Do your best to see your partner’s perspective. Respect your differences even as you work to bridge them. Empathy is always a good idea in a relationship. In sexual matters, it is essential.
2. Re-Imagine Your Perception of Intimacy
This is yet another way that movies, books, and even memes screw with our perceptions. “Sex” is much more than one main event (usually involving some form of penetration). Truth be told, sex is whatever you and your partner decide it is. It can be kissing and cuddling. It can also be using toys and experimenting with role play. By expanding your definition of intimacy, you create so many more possibilities for a happy medium.
3. Set and Enforce and Respect Boundaries
Regardless of where you fit on the sexual spectrum, your boundaries (and body) must be respected. Work together to set and explain your personal boundaries. Once those limits are declared, it is non-negotiable that you each enforce your boundaries while respecting your partner’s.
4. Make a Schedule
It’s not the stuff of spontaneous romantic dreams, but it can be extremely helpful to schedule your sex time. In this busy world (and especially if you have kids), it may be necessary.
5. Aim For Quality Over Quantity
Don’t keep score. Quantity may rule the day during your honeymoon phase. As your relationship evolves, the deeper and more realistic goal is quantity. Set your schedule and your boundaries up front. Then, in times of intimacy, you can be present and relaxed in the experience.
The Power of Sex Therapy integrated with Couples Therapy
Differences in desire are not a situation to be taken lightly. It may be normal but what matters is that it’s rarely perceived as normal. To navigate this paradox, many couples turn to sex therapy and couples therapy to work out any imbalances. Your counselor is the skilled, unbiased guide you need when dealing with a topic so fraught with emotion and misunderstanding. Please reach out soon for a consultation.