Why Setting Boundaries Matters and How to Ensure they Stick

Boundaries. You’ve heard that your relationship needs them. You’ve learned along the way that healthy people know how to set limits and live by them.

But you might not know what that really means, what that looks like in a lasting relationship, and whether you can really set boundaries well without offending the people that matter to you most.

The reality? We aren’t born with this skill. Some of us are born in to healthier situations than others. Some of us have negatively or positively  defining relationships throughout our lives. Still others of us have taken relationship cues from social media, movies, and romance novels. The idea of what boundaries are can be shaped and confused by all of that.

So it’s important to get some clarity, guidance, and practical steps to set your boundaries well. Your relationship requires care and consideration. You might be surprised to see how good it feels to put up certain emotionally protective hedges.

Furthermore, fears of being selfish or confrontational will likely fade as you recognize how boundaries support the growth and teamwork you’ve been hoping for.

So, What Are Relationship Boundaries Exactly?

Perhaps relationships boundaries are understood this way:

First, setting boundaries means that you can effectively separate your own emotions from the emotional and response from other’s. You know your boundaries are healthy and defined when you can empathize with without assuming guilt, shame, or responsibility inappropriately.  In other words, other people’s issues and difficulties don’t control your thoughts, sense of self, or behavior.

Second, setting boundaries means you are able to recognize that your own emotions are not other’s responsibility. You know your boundaries are healthy and defined when you can willingly and capably take responsibility for addressing your own issues and difficulties without blaming, shaming, or manipulating others.

Boundaries help you manage negativity productively

Conflict and disagreement are an inevitable part of long-term relationships. Do you have boundaries set to help you manage differences of opinion, friction, and more serious points of contention? Weak or porous boundaries here can lead to a weakened connection. Hurt feelings, damaged trust, and resentment result when boundaries aren’t erected to ward off  and rein in disrespect, criticism, and contempt.

Healthy boundaries mitigate a lot of need for relationship repair and rebuilding.

Boundaries support healthy self-esteem & self-worth

Retaining mutual autonomy in a relationship is more important than we may think. How well have you set boundaries that honor your natural needs to be individuals? Maintaining a strong sense of self worth is vital for balance and connection to thrive. Boundaries protect the borders of your self-image.

You remain internally sure and personally stable when you know who you are and can firmly stand by your ideals as you respectfully communicate them to your relationship partner.

Boundaries makes space for and defines mutual satisfaction

Boundary-rich relationships are not relationships that employ limits as avoidance tactics or to control others. Relationship partners see boundaries as valuable and vital to remaining content and forward-moving.

You can assert yourselves because you are equals who regard each other enough to be honest, vulnerable, and respectful. This increases emotional intimacy and closeness significantly.

Healthy boundaries can teach you and you partners to:

• Respect differences

• Ask questions and seek permission

• Consider each other’s feelings

• Avoid mind-reading and making assumptions

• Accept and include each other’s needs and wants

• Embrace mutually beneficial compromise as solutions

Tips for Healthy Relationship Boundaries that Stick

1. Identify Your Individual Needs

Boundaries are crafted through self-awareness. The time it takes to mindfully check-in with yourself is worth it. Identify your wishes and desires. Be honest and clearly determine deal-breakers and where you’re willing negotiate.

2. Openly Share Your Needs and Wants with Your Partner

Fear or low-self worth can cause partners to be vague, passive-aggressive, or even silent. To create firm boundaries that protect your relationship, be clear, patient, and slow to judge. Create space to share that is kind, safe and thoughtful.

3. Pay Attention, Listen Actively, Stay Curious

Take each other’s needs seriously. Fully and compassionately explore each other’s perspectives. This leaves little room for misunderstanding later and holding your boundaries becomes a clear committment.

Are Your Current Boundaries Unclear, Shifting, or Ignored?

You aren’t alone. Limits can feel intimidating and confrontational at first. There is no shame in reaching out to a couples counselor for direction. The help of an experienced counselor can make all the difference in creating meaningful change.

Finally, your commitment to each other is key and will guide your resilience as a couple. Let’s work together as a team. Please read more about the benefits of couples counseling. Then, reach out for a confidential consultation soon.