Was one of your Parents a Narcissist?
Everyone is certain they know a narcissist. Some of us are sure we were raised by one.
Was your own childhood and family life ruled by a narcissistic parent? Do you wonder what the fallout is in your life? What does this mean about how you understand yourself and healthy family relationships?
Exploring narcissistic family dynamics may help you gain some insight and chart a personal way forward.
Understanding the Narcissistic Family Dynamic
The narcissist is the center of the familial universe…
Typically, narcissists lack self-awareness. Yet, they are very conscious of what others think is respectable, worthwhile, and high-status. In other words, image is everything. A narcissistic creates their family with those societal standards in mind.
A narcissist’s family is a perpetual tool of ego protection and self-promotion. They choose a partner who enables their behavior and raises children who will support the desired image of a happy family man or amazing mom.
The goal? Not to actually be a happy family. The goal is to be the picture of the best family, outshining all others.
Think about how your narcissistic parent behaved towards your family. Two things likely shaped their decision-making and interaction with you:
a desire for narcissistic supply (admiration, importance, and attention) from others and/or
avoidance of narcissistic injury (hurt linked to the thought that they are less important or gifted than they imagine).
Family members supply the narcissist via their roles.
In a narcissistic family, the manipulative parent creates distinct roles. Members either support the narcissistic parent or become the receptacle of wrath and retaliation.
What do these relationships look like?
An enabling partner. A romantic partner generally excuses and downplay bad behavior and negativity. Narcissists don’t take personal responsibility for their wrongs. So, publicly, enablers clean up their partner’s reputation and, privately, maintain the power imbalance at home.
A golden child. The golden child’s role in a narcissistic family is to be the celebrated member. They are usually the child with abilities that bring the most positive attention or status publicly. The golden child is praised as if their accomplishments are the narcissist’s own. Their failures are ignored or blamed on the scapegoated child.
A scapegoat child. The scapegoat’s role in a narcissistic family is to be the member who shoulders blame. The scapegoats are targets of anger, criticism, and shaming. They receive overt insults and other forms of abuse. Covertly, they are held back and victimized as the narcissist turns the family against them.
Family members suffer consequences for failing to supply the narcissist
What happens when family members push back?
The enabler loses affection, intimacy. The narcissistic parent’s emotional abandonment continues until they fall in line.
The golden child must set aside their own needs and wants. Otherwise, the narcissist withdraws preferential treatment and friendship.
The scapegoated child is further restricted or dismissed entirely, all the while being made to believe that they are at fault.
Worse, the golden child and the scapegoat child enter into a manipulative triangle with the narcissistic parent. The golden child is a tool of abuse against the scapegoat child. This is often a game of exclusion and favoritism that keeps everyone in their place.
The narssistic parent traumatizes the family unit with power plays. Their harmful interactions fuel insecurity and anxiety.
Major issues develop between siblings and the enabler parent.
Unfortunately, the golden child may join their narcisstic parent in abusing the scapegoat child to
be pleasing and try to meet expectations
try to maintain the high status in the family
avoid becoming the scapegoat role by falling from grace
live out their own learned or inherited narcissistic tendencies
The scapegoat may then living in a very hard place, traumatized by siblings(s) and parent.
Additionally, the enabling parent often downplays the abuse in the home. They may encourage the scapegoat to forgive or move on (“they don’t really mean it”). Essentially, their inaction becomes a form of abuse in itself.
What to Do Now
Finally, if you grew up with a narcissistic family dynamic, you may need help to recover. To explore your past, relationships, and heal read more about trauma therapy. When you’re ready, reach out to us and schedule a consult. We’re here to help you see yourself clearly and positively.